I Can See Clearly
Where are my glasses?! I shout in frustration at nobody or whisper to myself when others are around. It’s not uncommon for me to misplace this essential tool for living. I started wearing corrective lenses at the age of four when my parents realized my poor skills at tidying up my toys was due to vision problems rather than willful stubbornness (of which I had plenty). Even though I can’t see a thing without my glasses, I sometimes purposely take them off and wander through the house. I enjoy the blurry soft edges of objects, the strokes of each object’s color blending into the next, and the peace of not having to focus on every vivid detail of the world around me. It’s a privilege to have the choice of how clearly I want to see. Recently, it struck me that in the same way that I can change how my eyes see, we all have the opportunity to decide how we perceive our experiences.
“When we hear “should”, “must”, and “supposed to” in response to painful experiences, we can choose to shift and sharpen our focus by introducing new language or ways to understand what we see and experience unfolding before us.”
The spectrum of human suffering is so vast and varied that the pain of life is inevitable. None of us will escape challenges, hardship, loss, physical pain, emotional distress, sudden change, injustice, shock, grief, or rejection. M. Scott Peck once wrote, “Life is difficult. Once we accept that, it is no longer difficult.” To put it another way, pain is inevitable and suffering is optional. What is ours to work through is the way we look at the obstacles we find on our path and the thoughts we nurture which create the distinction between clarity and lost focus.
In the face of pain, hardship, and stress, our brains engage in active problem solving to find a way to return to safety, reduce discomfort, and come back to “normal”. This is how we are wired and this instinct has helped humanity survive. The brain will conjure any message intended to motivate us into action towards survival. Many of us have been conditioned to manage difficulties and obstacles by adding a layer of shame, guilt, and helplessness to prevent ever feeling discomfort or challenge again.
Some common phrases we may tell ourselves in the midst of hardship which add a sharp edge to our pain include:
If only I …
If only they …
If only the circumstances …
I should be something else …
I should do something else …
I should have something else …
It should have gone differently …
It should have gone better …
They were supposed to say, or do, or be …
This kind of shame based language is intended to protect us from re-experiencing difficulty in the future. However, this adds weight to our suffering. In befriending our minds and paying attention to the language it uses, we can begin to notice shame.
When we hear “should”, “must”, and “supposed to” in response to painful experiences, we can choose to shift and sharpen our focus by introducing new language or ways to understand what we see and experience unfolding before us.
The new language may look like:
I get to learn … because of this experience.
I get to change … because of this experience.
I get to understand … because of this experience.
I choose to accept … in response to what I know.
I choose to adapt … in response to what I know.
I choose to shift … in response to what I know.
I see my part in this and can decide to …
When you get new glasses and the prescription is stronger or it’s time for the bifocals (or trifocals like I have), our eyes need time to adjust to the new view. The same applies to shifting the way we interpret our experiences and the way our minds speak to us. These kinds of fundamental shifts take time, patience, and practice. The first step is to just notice the messages and the more clearly you see how you’re relating to yourself in your thoughts and mind, you’ll have an opportunity to make shifts.